Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Fun with Doctor Language.

Use a Word and Make it Yours 
Fart Jokes ALWAYS Help You Retain New Words.

Today, we are going to use common "doctor dialect" and translate it and use our new words in our every day speech. To "own" a new word, you need to use it in a sentence.

 I tried dictating this post but my word recognition software made quite a mess of it. I suspect that the garbled language my dictation software misunderstood, is what my patients hear too.

Let's begin:

The suffix for inflammation is "-itis."
rhino means nose. I always liked that one because it was pretty obvious. A rhinocerous has a big
W.C. Fields had "Rhinophyma"--a bulbous red & enlarged nose.People used to equate it with alcoholism, but really it's just part of a disease called "rosacea."

"Rhinitis" equals inflammation of the nose.

 "Allergic rhinitis" is an allergy that make your nose swell up or itch.

A "Diverticulum" is a finger like outpouching of the colon.  Diverticulitis is an inflammation or infection of a diverticulum.

 The Abdomen is the entire belly area.

But, we don't say "abdominitis". Instead, we use the name of the organ that is inflamed. For example,  the lining of the abdominal cavity is called the Peritoneum, so:

 peritonitis=inflammation of the lining of the abdomen
 appendicitis=inflammation of the appendix
 hepatitis=inflammation of the liver

Okay. So this is pretty dry, right?
Let's spice it up a little.

 When you get a scab we call it an "eschar". What's underneath it, the little divet in the skin is called an "ulcer" or "ulceration".

If we follow through on this we could call potholes "asphalt ulcers."

(Doesn't that sound scientific?)

 In the large intestine,  if you get a lot of ulcerations we call it  "colitis".

 Here in Chicago when the roads are very potholed and there are hubcaps flying all over, we call it 


 BUT we COULD call the potholed nightmares that pass for roadways in Chicago "diseased".  
They have 

Tailgating annoys me no end because it's rude, annoying, and extremely dangerous.  I think we should rename it: "RECTUM RIDING."

 Some people have poo for brains. How did it get there, you might ask?
Well, those people must have a conduit to get poo from their colon to their brain (cerebral cortex). I say that those people have a colo-cerebral shunt.

Okay, here's a fun one for those of us who are still amused by farts. (And really, who isn't deep down?)

The technical term for passing gas  is "flatus" or "flatulence".

Urinating is "micturating".

Having a bowel movement or pooping is "defecating".
(Most people know that one.)

SO,  someone who is a gasbag or talks too much has flatulence breath.

Logos means "words". And we all know "diarrhea" is running at the bowels. Put the two together and you get logorrhea--Someone verbose or who is very talkative.

Belching or burping in "doctor" is "ERUCTION"

I like using the word "ERUCTION" in public because it always gets confused with other words-- you know, like "ELECTION".
(What? Seriously? Are your minds in the gutter AGAIN?)

So, Let's use our new words in a sentence or two. Here's a little scenario/story using many of our new words.

That guy driving behind us has a colo-cerebral shunt! Did you see how he was rectum riding me? Then we hit that patch of asphalt ulcers and one of his tires blew out. 
He pulled over, got out of his car, and lit up a cigarette.  He walked around his car checking his tires, but when he bent over, there was a simultaneously huge eruction and loud passing of flatus.

 (I almost micturated in my pants laughing.)

Well, who knows what he was eating earlier. It must have been something good because those bodily vapors went shooting up in flames towards the heavens, lit by a spark from his cigarette. 
He started swearing like a sailor as the police pulled over. They took one look at his rhinophyma and figured that he was an alcoholic (although that's not really true). 
They made him do the breathalyzer test.
Suddenly he doubled over in pain, holding his abdomen. The police called for an ambulance and we later found out he'd had emergency surgery for appendicitis. 

So, the moral of the story is:
Don't tail gate, don't smoke, and don't drink or you'll end up with a big nose, horrible gas and a flat tire.
The End



  1. Colo-cerebral shunt is my new favorite!

    1. It's one of mine, too. Bathroom humor is universal.

  2. Another one for my list of awesome homophones? aphthous ulcers/ asphalt ulcers
    So close.
    You've outdone yourself - AGAIN.
    Consider yourself bookmarked.

  3. Thank you! Always grateful for new and return readers!