I DON'T WANT ANYTHING THAT DIES OR WILTS OR REQUIRES DUSTING FOR MOTHER'S DAY

(I know this isn't medically oriented, but it sort of is, given Mother's Mental Health is involved.)




On the days leading up to Mother's Day, there is a lot of hype about what Mother needs and wants.

Don't drink the Kool-Aid of commercialism.

Most mothers do not want flowers, stuffed animals, figurines, or any other stuff that dies, wilts, drops leaves or requires dusting, maintenance or paying of the bill in the long run (cell phones).

Jewelry is fabulous if you like it, which I don't. 
I can't wear big flashy rings because I use gloves at work.

Necklaces just whack people in the face when I bend over and listen to their hearts.
 I have a nickel dermatitis so I can't wear most Earrings.
Bracelets are pain in the butt, literally. They get in the way when I write. They make noise. They're hard to wear when you're doing a breast or rectal exam. They get in the way when you're washing your hands. So for me, personally, jewelry is out.

Also, I do not want ice cream, cookies, cake, candy, teddy bears, flowers, or anything else that will make me fat, will die, or will require finding a place for. Or ballons. I saw about 5 mylar ballons floating up in the sky, away into heaven, today.


Perfume. Don't even go there. Doctors can't wear perfume. Why? Because we take care of people who could die from strong odors. Think asthma, emphysema, other terrible lung diseases. People who have allergies. People who would have sneezing fits and then pee in their pants. (See previous post. Yeah I know I still have to finish it.)
 I  have perfume that is from the late 1980s. Seriously. I never wear the stuff. Don't buy me perfume.

Now, I may be a little jaded here. I know, children are a gift from God and I'll miss them when they're gone but right now they're driving me bat shit crazy.

So here's what I want, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that a whole bunch of other moms, want for Mother's Day.
(I even highlighed it so you don't have to take notes)


1.)  Pick up all your crap off the floor. Daily. And flush the toilet and wipe off the poop!

2.)   Change a light bulb now and then. I don't like living in a Bat Cave and I'm the only one that changes the damned lightbulbs

3.) I know this is impossible but I'd really love to have a girl Friday. Somebody to go through the mail, line up all my bills for me to pay, throw away the thousands of pounds of junk mail we get a week. To take my cleaning to the cleaners. To run all of my errands. To drop the kids off here and there.

4.)  Okay I know I'm going out on a REALLY long limb here, but how about a personal chef. Somebody to cook dinner. Every night. Right now we cook on the weekends and if we're lucky sometimes we cook during the week. I would love to have a personal chef make me lots and lots of nutritious meals with lots of vegetables that are complicated and time-consuming and taste just amazingly excellent and are perfectly portioned-a la Oprah.

5.) Massive de-crapification of my house.

There is stuff on every single surface of my house. When my children are done with something, instead of putting it away, they just leave it. I would like to go through the house and pretend that we are moving and get rid of stuff. Worse yet, I inherited some stuff from my parents who were hoarders. It was a lot of stuff that is kind of important and they never did anything with, photos and such. So far I have continued the tradition, leaving it in boxes and not doing anything with it.
Mostly because I know that it is going to require an enormous amount of effort to organize and put things away in a nice way. I don't want to get started if I am only going to leave it half done, which is my usual modus operandi when I start a project.

6.) I would love to have a personal trainer. Someone to kick my butt into action

7.)  While were at it, I'd also like to have a personal shopper. Yeah, it would be nice to get a makeover and the clothes, but really, I want someone else to shop for my kids clothes, and for groceries. 
And Don't talk to me about Peapod. They cost a bazillion dollars for itty bitty portions of stuff.

 In summary, all I really want for Mother's Day is order to be restored in my house, the dog not to smell like a kennel, the furniture fabreezed of dog odor, the crap picked up around my house and straightened, and the light bulbs to be changed. Is that too much to ask for? Happy Mother's Day